As we talked about in Do You Have a High Drive? there is this unseen element at work in every marriage that I call the dichotomy of the high drive and low drive. This dichotomy more than any other thing will put pressure on your marriage. How well you and your spouse handle that pressure will in a great deal determine the level of success that you will experience in your marriage. As I mentioned in that previous post the high drive/low drive dichotomy isn’t just about sex. It reaches to every aspect in marriage. The important and the less important. The big and the small. It is there. Sometimes you really feel it and at other times it’s there but you aren’t as aware of it as perhaps you spouse is.
Now here’s an important piece of information about the high drive/low drive dichotomy, the low drive spouse is in control of whatever the situation whether they want to be or not. Interesting isn’t it? That a person can have the power of control over something simply because they want it less than someone else and often times they would prefer not to have that control at all. As an example, the spouse that has the low drive for visiting family will control when they choose to visit family. Now the other spouse can choose to go on their own to visit their family, but it isn’t quite the same as visiting family together is it? They control it by simply refusing to participate. The high drive spouse suggests that a visit to the low drive spouse’s parents is in order and the low drive spouse refuses to participate. The low drive spouse can also control the level of enjoyment of the high drive spouse by their reluctance to participate. The high drive spouse suggests that a visit to the low drive spouse’s parents is in order and the low drive spouse participates grudgingly. Now the low drive spouse may not want this control but because of their attitude (low desire) toward this activity they are in control.
What are somethings that a mature low drive spouse that doesn’t want to limit their spouse’s enjoyment do?
- Attitude adjustment. The most important thing they can do is work on adjusting their own attitude toward the activity.
- Love their spouse. Show your spouse that you are concerned about their needs/wants/desires and love them by releasing the control to the higher drive spouse as evidence of your love for your spouse.
- Suck it up. There will be times when your spouse needs to do this for you and you need to be willing to do it for them as well.
What about the high drive spouse? What can they do?
- Be your own person. The decision that a low drive spouse makes says more about them than it does about you. In the example given above about visiting the low drive spouse’s family, go without the low drive spouse. The fact that the low drive spouse made the decision they made says more about them than it does about you. Natural consequences.
- Don’t protect the low drive spouse from the natural negative consequences of their decision. This means allowing your own disappointment to be voiced in a loving and respectful manner.
There are probably somethings that I missed that a mature spouse should be doing whether they are low drive or high drive. Share your thoughts!
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I am a low drive , and hubby is a high drive – in EVERY area. This seriously affects our marriage and we have been pushing hard ever since we got married to get through this. I found this post very helpful, but please could you write more?? We need help!
Hi K,
Yes, it has been a long time since I posted anything. To write about marriage I have to have a number of things come together for me. First, I have to have something I feel is worth saying and feel strongly enough to say it. This is why there are long dry spells for me. If someone gives me an assignment, like writing a guest post for J at Hot, Holy and Humorous, then I can put together some thoughts and work up a post.
Usually though I’m living my life looking for a subject that others aren’t already discussing or a new take on something someone else wrote. My desires to see both sides, to challenge myself and others to grow, and to not just be another voice in a choir of voices all singing the same tune make inspiration difficult to find sometime.
Your prodding may just be the inspiration that I need. If this post helped perhaps I can find some more to say about the higher drive/lower drive dichotomy.
Kentucky Colonel
To be honest, this is the first post that I have read that spoke about natural consequences. I (the wife) have the high drive and my husband has the low drive. It has been a difficult road. My husband has always controlled this area. He prefers to sexually fantasize about women other than me (has verbally confirmed this several times) than make love to me. He only makes love to me when he ‘has’ to and acts like it is a chore he doesn’t enjoy when finished. We did not have sex before marriage, so I presumed he would be as open as I am to improving our marriage/sex life. 13 years in and no change. This post helps me, as I’ve come to the end of myself. I don’t nag him. I’ve respectively spoken to him a few times over the years about our sexual issues. I enjoy sex when it happens and respond verbally and physically, but quietly cry myself the sleep after and most nights in between; Most encounters last 30 seconds. I feel so used. No more crying myself to sleep. Time to pray and just let natural consequences fall into place.