As a follow up to It’s Just Sex… I thought it would be a good idea to further explore the idea of how sex is more than “just sex.”
Intimacy is more than a code word for sex. Intimacy in and of itself has a greater meaning in marriage beyond the physically intimate. Choosing to be intimate is to allow one’s self to be fully known. To take the risk of revealing one’s true self to someone. It is usually reserved for those that we really love, whose acceptance we seek. That is what makes intimacy risky. Acceptance versus rejection, and intimacy versus unfamiliarity. Acceptance for who we truly are or acceptance for someone we really aren’t. That dance between the desire to be accepted by the one we love most for who we truly are versus being rejected by the one we love most for revealing who we truly are. There is so much wrapped up in this struggle for integrity about who we really are and this need for being accepted by our significant other.
I think that the idea of being accepted for who we are is captured in Genesis 2:25:
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed~Genesis 2:25 (NASB)
The idea that the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed is very powerful because it suggests total acceptance one for the other. I believe that God’s design for intimacy in marriage (and I mean more than just sex) can allow us to experience a little bit of what Eden must have been like within the safety of our marriage if both spouses allow it. Can we stand emotionally naked, intellectually naked, spiritually naked, physically naked before our spouse and not be ashamed? Should we be able to stand naked before our spouse and not be ashamed?
For those of us who are the higher drive spouse in our marriages sex has the possibility to be more than just a release. The reason I say possibility is that there is a minimum amount of sex that is needed to meet the physical need, beyond that is where there is room for a more emotional and relational connection exists. As Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband and The Marriage Bed stated in his reply to Kate’s post Masturbation: What’s a Wife to Do? from One Flesh Marriage
Having this [minimum] level [of sex] met by his bride also makes him feel understood and loved. Beyond this minimum level, there is a desire for far more, and it is in that desire that you find his more emotional and relational needs and desires.
The best analogy I have heard for this is the food analogy. If you ask a starving man how much food is enough food he will likely have little idea. The same applies to a higher drive spouse who has never had that higher drive met. They are likely to exaggerate what they believe enough sex is because they’ve never been “full” before. Once the higher drive spouse gets their fill so to speak and they understand that sex isn’t going to be taken way from them they will likely come to more accurate conclusion about what that minimum need is.
Now if you figure out what the minimum is and that’s all you give you are doing your higher drive spouse and your marriage a disservice. Why? Because it is beyond the minimum where the higher drive spouse will find the emotional and relational connection and this will greatly benefit the lower drive spouse as well. If you’re stuck on doing the minimum it would be a good idea to read Paul Byerly’s post How Little Can I Get By With? Think of the higher drive spouse’s desire as a continuum with the minimum physical need being zero, less is negative and more is positive.
Again, the higher drive/lower drive dichotomy applies to more than sex. Are you the lower drive spouse for emotional connection? Are you okay with sharing an emotional hurt with your spouse? Where on the continuum are you falling in regards to meeting that need in your spouse? Are your conversations meaningful, or are you just doing the minimum?
The grown-up spouse understands the needs, desires and wants of their spouse and seeks to meet them and go beyond the minimum. The grown up spouse also understands that shame is a feeling that comes from actions that are dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc. and not from sharing our true self with our spouse. Yes, it is true that our spouse can choose to reject our true self but our spouse’s choices say more about them than they do about us. If anything it is disappointing and shows a lack of maturity in the one doing the rejecting, not the one being rejected.
Are you ashamed of who you are?
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This is a amazing post! It speaks right to the heart of what I believe (my hubby) as well! My definition of imtimacy is “to be known completely” and to allow yourself to be known completely, pretty much as you stated above! So well said! I feel as a wife, there is an epedimic of sorts, where wives just put off sex for various reasons, all the while thinking their hubby’s will be ok. I realize this is not always the case and sometimes the roles are reversed, but the more and more women I interact with, the more I see how true this epidemic is! It is my hope to encourage women that sex and intimacy is so vital in their marriage, and that it is so worth the time!
I really like the part about being naked and unashamed in EVERYTHING! For the time that Adam and Eve lived without sin, we see a glimpse of God’s plan for how marriage should be! To truly be naked and unashamed one must allow themselves to bare all and share all with their spouse. I don’t know about you, but I love that Brad knows every little thing about me, inside and out! I can share with him and tell him anything. That is such a huge part of intimacy. But it grown and cultivated in our physical intimacy as well! Ok, I could go on and on! Awesome post! Thanks for sharing! Blessings, Kate
P.S. Even though we went round and round about the big “M” (masturbation), I very much like what you have to say and feel our blog/ministries are striving together to strengthen marriages!
One of the things that I have found is that when we feel loved and fulfilled in our marriage it makes it easier to do what makes our spouse feel love and fulfilled as well. So, for me as the higher sex drive spouse in our marriage, when I feel sexually loved and fulfilled I am more open to emotional and relational sharing with my wife which makes her feel loved and fulfilled. As you can see a good cycle has been established in the relationship by each spouse choosing to meet each others needs.
Now, let me say that the mature thing to do is to meet your spouse needs regardless of whether or not they are meeting your’s. It just makes it easier when everyone is acting like an adult.
Thanks!
So true! I agree completely! Truly am feeling blessed to read through your site today! Brad is always the one to be reading blogs, I tend to get to them later. You have so many good insights, I just couldn’t stop myself today! 🙂 Thanks again! Kate
This was a great posting! It really helped me look at my marriage sex life in a different light.
I especially liked the analogy to a starving person not knowing what full is. I’ve helped with orphans. At the orphanage, in a third world country, kids come in off the street where they had to scavenge alone for their food. These kids are anywhere from toddlers on up–most are around 5-7 years when the authorities find them. The “house parents” at the orphanage say it takes, on average, 30 days for a child to realize that they are loved and no one is going to take from them again. During that time, they find food and other things stuffed in the child’s pillows, bed, under their bed, drawers, etc. in an attempt to “hoard” anything they get.Â
I think that a sex starved HD has a similar mentality. When they get something, they want more and want to do everything to push for more for fear they will lose what they got. It takes quite a while to reprogram the thought patterns to believe and trust that the thing you need is going to be there later too.
Thank you for taking time to expound further on the food analogy. I think your addition is a good picture of how a deprived higher sexual drive spouse feels.
Excellent post!
I agree completely with the notion that true intimacy happens in the entirety of our beings (spirit, soul and flesh). I also feel strongly that shame is one of the biggest intimacy killers around. I actually wrote an entire series on my blog that addresses the way shame destroys marital intimacy. Though shame definitely hurts intimacy in the spiritual and emotional/soul realms, sexual shame is probably the most damaging to a marriage.
Whether you are the high drive spouse who feels ashamed and rejected or the low drive spouse who feels shame, guilt and blame for now wanting more sex, the effect of either creates a divide that must be addressed if a couple is to restore intimacy.
The key to overcoming shame? Grace! True with God; true in marriage.
What does grace look like if you are the LD spouse? As you said it means giving more than the bare minimum. It means finding out at what interval your spouse would feel sexually blessed and working toward that. Grace for the HD spouse means accepting and never accusing your spouse for their LD sexual nature. It also means looking at other areas of intimacy in your marriage (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, etc.) where your spouse may be feeling a lack of intimacy from you.
Attempts by either the LD or HD spouse to use shame to get what you want or defend your behavior will only do damage and put intimacy to flight. Instead, ask yourself what grace would look like as a response to your spouse’s willingness to be completely naked with you (in all dimensions,but especially in the bedroom).
Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble so! Can you tell I feel strongly about this topic?
[…] Naked and Unashamed | A Grown Up MarriageJul 6, 2011 … As a follow up to It’s Just Sex… I thought it would be a good idea to further explore the idea of how sex is more than just sex. […]