J’s post Does Sexy Lingerie Promote a Perverted View of Beauty? got me to thinking about perceived differences between men and women. Honestly, it actually began with two posts by Pastor Bob Russell, Wives, Help Your Husbands Stay Pure! (1 Corinthians 6-7) and Husbands, Help Your Wives Stay Pure!, but J’s post is what prompted me to write this. For the record I think J’s and Brother Russell’s posts are good and don’t disagree with them as it they written for particular audiences.
In J’s post she share the following from a male reader:
However, the most significant reason for her distaste, and the most troubling, is that she equates lingerie with the culture of porn, strippers, and unrealistic expectations of female beauty. She feels that by wearing such things she’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted beauty that plays in the fantasies of men.
I added a comment to the post because when I read the quote above the first question that entered my mind was, what’s the difference between a wife wearing lingerie for her husband, and a husband sending his wife flowers? Isn’t each is an expression of… something? So, I put the shoe on the other foot with this:
However, the most significant reason for his distaste, and the most troubling, is that he equates flowers and romance with the culture of romance novels, unrealistic heroes, and a wife’s unrealistic expectations for romance. He feels that by giving flowers he’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted romance that plays to the romantic fantasies of women.
If you go back and read Bro. Russell’s posts you’ll find that within each of his posts he has an individual that prompted the post. In the post to husband’s it was a Pastor who had committed adultery. In the post to wives it was a wife who, “admitted to being sexually neglected.” However, Bro. Russell takes two different trails to basically the same issue, sexual neglect. For the husband’s he uses a scripture that we’re familiar with here at AGUM as it’s one we’ve used, 1 Cor. 7. For the wives he uses another scripture, Ephesians 5, where men care commanded to love their wife as Christ loves the church. Now, I don’t take issue with Brother Russell’s admonition to men but I do wonder what is wrong with using the same scripture, 1 Cor. 7, as he did when he wrote to the husbands as it speaks directly about sex and that was the sexually neglected wife’s reason for contacting him.
So, you’re probably thinking at this point, what do these three blog posts have to do with the title of this blog post. Well I’ll tell you. I think that Brother Russell makes the mistake that the church has been making for centuries, he treats sex different based on gender. He shouldn’t. A spouse’s need to feel desired is not a matter of gender. Men have more testosterone and that does do things to them but some women have needs that are more readily associated with men. Things like being visual or just being horny. There aren’t hard and fast rules for this stuff. Every person is different which makes every marriage different as well.
So, to the question, “Why don’t women need sex?” They do! It’s time that the church accept the fact that a happy, healthy marriage includes two individuals that need intimacy fulfillment and that includes physical intimacy. It’s not a matter of gender. It never has been.
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Well done. A biblical examination of the needs of spouses will show that differences in drive are not really addressed. In the OT, the wife’s sexuality was specifically protected by the Law. In the NT, it is treated in equal balance with the husband’s.
I totally agree with you that both husbands and wives have God-given sexual needs. Many wives, unfortunately, are not as aware of them because the way those urges feel and emerge are often different from men. Spouses should both desire each other, and that is clear in the Song of Songs scriptures. However, gender can make a difference in how that looks. Because men and women are different in those respects, it can challenge the marriage to grow and become something better and deeper.
P.S. Not a flowers gal myself, and definitely not in favor of wives expecting their husbands to act like the hero in the last romance novel they read. Real men > fantasy.
I agree and disagree.
Yes, most women need sex as well, even if some won’t admit it. And, the stereotypes do not always hold true: We are seeing more and more women speaking up saying they are being sexually refused in their marriages by their husbands. But, that said, there is a fairly obvious differentiation between how the genders, on average, approach sexuality. I agree that we need to address the fact that the stereotypes are not definitive, but as the bulk of us are working from within stereotypical marriages, and we tend to write what we know, it is an unfortunate reality that we will continue to write about these stereotypes. I, for one, and I know others will as well, do my best to have disclaimers stating there are exceptions, that in many cases the roles can be reversed, and sometimes the advice will work both ways.
Here’s the thing though. There is almost always a lower drive and a higher drive spouse in every marriage. These drive differences cause the same types of issues regardless of which gender’s drive is higher.
What I seek to do is not reinforce stereotypes that only address a portion of the population that I am writing to, lower drive wives married to higher drive husbands, and address the larger issue that is in almost every marriage, lower drive and higher drive.
LOL…someone should say that women don’t need sex in front of my wife. It would be like saying, “Women don’t need romance.” Sex is a huge part of our marriage and she is often preoccupied with it. It fascinates her and it’s all I can do to keep up with her.