I’ve only been at this blogging thing for a little but I have some observations to make about somethings I think I’m seeing.
Sex Is A Huge Issue In Many Marriages
- As I’ve mentioned before the posts that draw the largest audience are the posts that I’ve made about sex. The more sexually obvious the title the more views.
- There are a number of very good bloggers posting on the topic of sex in marriage some of the professional Marriage Counselors. Obviously they see what a huge issue this is in marriages or they wouldn’t dedicate their blogging time to just this one area of marriage.
The Wrong People Are Reading These Blogs
Now I don’t know this for certain, but I’m fairly sure that the majority of those that read my posts on sex and the other bloggers posts on sex are more than likely the higher sex drive spouse in their marriages looking for answers.
- Dr. David Schnarch (affiliate link) would say that the lower sex drive partner controls the sex.
- Higher sex drive spouses are looking for ways to take more control in their marriage beds. That’s how I got started on my interest in creating a better marriage. Thank God (literally) that I am married to a generous, good-willed spouse.
I’m sure there are some generous, good-willed, lower sex drive spouses out there that read these blogs but I think they’re mostly a minority. As Paul Byerly recently pointed out If I Don’t Admit It, It’s Not True. Too often we believe it is easier to continue to delude ourselves than it is to work for a better marriage (See: Why People Avoid the Truth About Themselves).
Generalities and Stereotypes Can Be Hurtful
Honestly, it took me a long time to learn this myself.
- It isn’t always the husband in a marriage that has the higher sex drive.
- Wives aren’t any less likely to be tempted sexually. Their temptation may be slightly different but it’s still temptation.
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These are my sentiments as well. The pro-sex bloggers are preaching to the choir. Please don’t get me wrong; I certainly think those messages need to be out there. However, I think there should be better advice given to us sex-starved spouses than just: pray, love her as best you can in spite of the unfaithfulness, and try to get her to read the stuff we write to low-libido spouses or go to counseling together. There HAS to be more that we can do than that. The blogger(s) that provide better solutions will be the ones who really help change our marriages.
The problem is that when feelings are involved there is room for everyone to have their feelings validated. When behavior is the issue we face a more difficult issue, the two choice dilemma.
What you and your wife are facing is the classic two choice dilemma. Your preference is to have sex and her preference is to not have sex. Obviously if one of you has your way the other is not and since she is your only sexual outlet and she wants it less than you, she controls the amount of sex you have.
I’d suggest you read Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (affiliate link), I’ve also heard good things about Boundaries in Marriage (affiliate link). These will give you the ground work for addressing this in your marriage.
Blessings!
Kentucky Colonel
Oh, the dozens of books I’ve read about sex in marriage! Of course, she’s not interesting in reading any of it and doesn’t want to talk about it either, so I can’t really share what I read. I have to hope to find little tidbits that I can act on myself without engaging her directly. I’ll check out those two books too though. So far, everything I’ve read in every other book seems to boil down to those same 4 pieces of advice I mentioned before.
I’ll warn you that the author of Intimacy & Desire, Dr. Schnarch does not present a Christian world view in the book. You’ll have to eat the meat and dispose of the bones.
[…] Some Observations on Sex – this is a good post for those in the marriage who aren’t as interested in sex. There is often one spouse who can’t get enough and one who isn’t as interested. Both need to read this post! […]