First, I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last post. The paying job has been very busy and I just haven’t had the time to think about a post let alone write one.
Photo courtesy NomadicEntrepreneur via Flickr/CC
I really believe that just about every couple that marries believes that they will be married for a long time, but, based on the statistics, about half of them are incorrect. Why is this? It’s because having a healthy, happy marriage is difficult and when the going gets tough statistics tell us that in about 50% of marriages one or both of the spouses give up and the marriage ends.
So what about those that tough it out through the tough times, are they in a healthy happy marriage? Sadly, many are not but they choose to continue on the journey. My Pastor said in his sermon that becoming spiritually mature was a hard road. Which got me to thinking about the rate at which marriages fail in the church. The rate that marriages fail inside the church is about the same as those outside of the church. Is that troubling to anyone else? What does that say in regard to the maturity level of church membership?
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.~James 1:2-4 (NIV)
What does it take to make a healthy and happy marriage? Two generous, committed, good-willed adults. The challenge is for each of us to grow up.
This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.
The break-up rate in Christian marriages bothers me too. But is that surprising when 20-something-year-old people who self-identify as evangelical Christians appear to be approaching the levels of extra-marital sexual activity that non-Christians exhibit.
I feel very frustrated because my local Methodist circuit did not think that they had the demand for a one-day seminar that required 30 couples for break-even, even with 6 month’s notice, when I already knew that in our church alone there were 4 couples who were keen to take part. Yet in my housegroup we have had two marriages break up in the last two months, both of which were between 4 and 6 years established, and both were second or subsequent marriages for everyone involved.
I wonder whether the problem is that many of our pastors are of the view that ‘the other denomination down the road’ will marry this couple if I refuse, so I had better not refuse.
But then again, if the church is frightened to discuss the issues of sin in every area away from marriage, then even more will they be worried to discuss marriage, because not only will they upset the ‘nice little old ladies’ who do not want to hear sex being mentioned in church, but if the church were to preach a biblical view, it will also upset (theological) liberals, feminists, the lgbt movement and uncle Tom Cobleigh and all.
Is it because the Church has become too feminised, or is it just because we have become resigned to losing the men. About one third of the married women in the local congregation come to church without their husbands. Or is it because even in the church house groups, which are established primarily as bible study groups, that there is a fairly sketchy knowledge of Scripture and doctrine and people do not even know what the bible teaches about marriage.
Then again, because we in the local congregation do not know each other well enough with 20 minutes for coffee after the one weekly service on a Sunday, we cannot have much of a deep and meaningful conversation and the confidence in each other to say that our marriage is in trouble and we need prayer and counselling. But when will the leadership make the point that house grup membership is not optional? The first I found out about the second marriage breakdown was when I was told that X has transferred his membership to another church and Y is keeping her membership with us, but X wants to know if he can continue to come to our group because Y has said she will not be attending house group any more. The couple had split up before anyone in the church knew about any problems and Y is adamant she will not attend any counselling to try to reconcile. What is happening about church discipline in this case you may well ask. So do I. The church seems terrified to even consider it, ever.
How does an ordinary member of the church influence the church’s approach to and support for marriage?
hi uk Fred; i’ve pondered this question for many years … i think i have an answer; you live your life; you live your marriage, and you set an example … not the firerockets and stars answer you were hoping for huh … yeah, it wasn’t for me either. in order to keep its memberships up (giving units), the church cannot go ‘against’ popular culture … its the ‘tickling ears’ that is spoken of in the Word.
Everyone wants to talk about grace you know; talk to about mercy, oh, and don’t forget the whole forgiveness thing; we love to talk about the forgiveness of Christ!! And yet, when we are called to actually show grace, mercy or forgiveness to our brothers (husbands) or sisters (wives) .. We demonstrate the exact opposite of what our mouths say:
Instead of being full of grace in marriage we are graceless to one another;
Instead of mercy in marriage we are merciless to one another;
And instead of forgiving our spouse (as we have been forgiven ‘eph 4:32’) we withhold it and judge one another.
to say that you are going to end your marriage because you believe that your spouse is just worth the effort; or your spouse is just beyond the redemption of Christ, because he (she) is sooo evil … well, that is unforgiveness and judging; you are grabbing grace with your right hand and withholding it in your left hand.
See, that kind of teaching just won’t fly in the church, especially not a mega church; yeah sure its truth, but its not what people want to hear.
Hey also, there is a site called smart marriage.com; they have lots of studies posted and I was reading one the other day; it touched something that was said about people staying married but not being happy. This study says the opposite of that. That the couples that chose to stay together, that it took almost 5 years for them to be happy again.
I posted this quote on my site once, I think it rings true (I can’t recall the author right now, so I’ll paraphrase it):
More marriages might last if both people understood that the ‘worse’ part comes after the ‘better part’.
Robyn, I have from time to time left a church service thinking or saying, “That was not what I wanted to hear”, but it has almost always been followed by the thought that it was probably what I needed to hear. I have found, since my previous post, a site on marriage by a person called Dalrock and on it he has a posting called “Game for Pastors” Interestingly he suggests that when women especially are asking questions of pastors, particularly on marriage and divorce, they are actually testing the pastor and they want the biblical answer, even if it is harder on the flock than the wishy-washy liberal teaching of the “other church down the road”, and they will respect him more for being willing to take a stand on it. The comparison is with the woman who is more likely to accept the proposal to hook up for a one-night stand with an alpha male rather than start a relationship with a man who is looking for a woman who wants him to care for her. I suppose this would explain why the chuch where John Piper exercises his ministry is successful, and probably also Mars Hill in Seattle is successful, but it doesn’t explain the size of the following for, say Joel Olsteen.
First off – a correction from my post above (it probably goes without saying but I’ll correct myself anyhow) it should have read … “the better comes after the worse”
Hi again UK Fred, I’ve often thought about that too. I know who Joel Osteen is, but I’ve never actually listened to him preach so I’ll assume by your reference that he has a large following.
I’ve recently discovered something. I listen to Joyce Meyer and she has quite a large following too. Yet (a friend of a friend who shall remain nameless) says this about Joyce Meyer, “she is awesome. I have lots of her books and teaching cds” This friend of a friend, has been married and divorced 4 times. I’m not saying that Joyce Meyer is ‘against’ divorce … she’s not. But what she IS for, is ‘stick-to-it-ness’ and not giving up. I think if you’ve been married and divorced 4 times … you are sort of missing the point of a lot of her messages. Self-delusion is the only thing I can see, if you are sitting under the yoke of a teacher that is telling you not to give up so easily and yet you keep giving up on every marriage you enter into.
I believe God tells us (a few times) to be careful of self-deception.