Ever heard this in your marriage? How about felt like that was the attitude of your spouse? It’s damaging to so many marriages. When we marry we marry “for better or worse” with the understanding that we’ll all work for “better.” Too many spouses are worried more about how little they can get by with (link to The Generous Husband’s post on this subject) that they don’t realize what the damage they are doing to their marriage and, when it comes right down to it, themselves. It’s “just sex’ until it’s an affair or porn then all of a sudden it isn’t “just sex” anymore. Sex goes from “just sex” to “SEX!” In scripture I’m certain there is no attitude of “just sex.” Sex is either blessed in marriage or a sin outside of marriage. The attitude of “just sex” comes from a world view that places mankind as little more than another animal. If sex were truly “just sex” then we wouldn’t have so many issues cropping up in marriage around the issue of sex.
The idea of “just sex” promotes premarital sex, “It’s just sex go ahead and do it,” and marital infidelity through the withholding of sex, “It’s just sex you don’t have to do it.” Yes, you read that right, marital infidelity. If fidelity is defined as:
- strict observance of promises, duties, etc.
- loyalty.
- conjugal faithfulness.
Then withholding sex is certainly a form of infidelity. We make promises toward loyalty and conjugal faithfulness and then we see how little we can get away with giving. It would have been more honest if we had stood up before God and our community and instead of promising “for better or worse” we promised “for as little with which we can get by.” We know that it isn’t “just sex” because if it was “just sex” then it wouldn’t be that big a deal to give it or to get it but the frequency, or lack thereof, is a huge issues in too many “Christian” marriages. Part of the problem is that this tends to be a marriage’s best kept secret. If either spouse were fooling around on the other sooner or later it’s going to come out but with sexual refusal both spouses are usually content to keep the secret.
In Marriage and Class Five Rapids we took a look at 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. Verse three says:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.~1 Corinthians 7:3 (NIV)
The word translated duty in the NIV is the Greek word opheilō. This literally means that each spouse owes this specific debt to their spouse. This is exactly what you are signing for when you marry.
In the past we have talked about the high drive/low drive issues within marriage and we’ve also mentioned that this applies to more than sex but it applies to sex especially. Why do I say “especially?” Because unlike other things your spouse isn’t your only outlet. Conversation, emotional connection, there are valid, non-sinful outlets for these other than your spouse. I have interesting conversations with my sons and we connect on an emotional level. There is nothing wrong with that. My wife and her best friend have conversation down to an art form and there is nothing wrong with that. There are problems, and we all recognize and realize this, when we look for fulfillment outside of our spouse when it comes to sex. So, it isn’t “just sex.”
If it were “just sex” then it wouldn’t matter where the higher drive spouse got sex but we know that it does matter. First and most importantly it matters to God. Secondly it matters to the low drive spouse as well (if it doesn’t matter to the lower drive spouse where their spouse is getting the sexual needs met then there are bigger issues in that marriage). The reason that it matters to the lower drive spouse is deep down we all know that it isn’t “just sex.” Sex between a husband and a wife is more than physical. When done correctly it is emotional, physical and spiritual. It is designed to be a bonding experience between a married couple. That which God designed for bonding has been so corrupted that there are many issues surrounding the sexual relationship in many marriages. God’s design for sex has been so manipulated in our society that it is hard to recognize and a big part of that manipulation is this idea that any sex is “just sex.”
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Such a good post. It has always been fascinating to me (and a bit sad) when I talk to women who think sex is “no big deal” in their own marriage, but if their husband wanted to get sexual fulfillment elsewhere… well, that would be a BIG DEAL. A bit of irony in it all I believe.
I explored this more in this post: Would You Be Fine With Your Husband Having Sex With Someone Else http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/03/19/would-you-be-fine-with-your-husband-having-sex-with-someone-else/
Anyway, thanks for the insightful post!! Keep turning out good writing on this topic… it’s needed.
Thanks Julie!
I read your post and, honestly, I think you said it much better than I did.
This is my first post on sex and I had my two highest days of viewing numbers to my blog yet over the weekend. It would seem to me that there are a lot of hurting people out there in regards to the amount and/or quality of sex in their marriage.
So much for the idea of “it’s just sex.”
Right on, Julie!
This is the epidemic I see happening with many wives. As Julie said, it is amazing to me and really breaks my heart when wives share that sex does not matter. That they would be much happier in life if they never had it again. I cannot imagine that reality and am so thankful Brad and I can share God’s amazing design for sex. Sex is not just sex, it is glue, it softens us, bonds us, centers us, etc!
You hit the nail on the head when you said that SOO many marriages are screaming for help in the sex area. Whether it be high/low drive issues, one partner just physically showing up but not mentally or emotionally or many other reasons. Woman share with me very often about how they will have “maintainance sex” with their hubby. While I commend them for making an effort to be sexually available (cause many women out there cannot seem to do that), they don’t know how much they are hurting their hubby’s! Their hubby’s want and need their wives, to want and need them. Our hubby’s want us to enjoy sex with them as much as they enjoy it. We are seriously tricking ourselves if we women think that simply “showing up for the game” is meeting the needs and wants of our husbands. As I have shared, I did that for a number of years in the beginning of our marriage and I had a lot of things to undo after that. I now see how much that hurt Brad and our one flesh connection.
Again, another amazing post! Keep addressing the sex issues, it is so needed and people cannot read enough. They are always our highest viewing posts as well! Blessings! Kate
The one thing that I have never been able to figure out is the stubborn, immature, selfish jerk of a spouse. The one that isn’t willing to change at all. The one that will cut off their nose to spite their face.
That’s how I see the issue of sexual refusal. They are cutting off their nose to spite their face. By not meeting a spouse’s sexual needs, they are dooming themselves to a less fulfilling marriage.
When we married meeting the physical (sexual), emotional, relational and, to a certain degree, spiritual needs, of our spouse, is exactly what we were signing up for! Why do so many treat it as if it’s a surprise to them?
Very good questions! And I agree! It is what we signed up for but all of the sudden we are not up for it anymore! Truly a shame!
What is your advice for a Christian husband whose wife refuses to have sex, “would rather not anymore”, refuses counseling, and is apparently willing to divorce over the issue? I have been dealing with this for a few years now, and am getting to the point where I might just file for divorce, even with all the negative outcomes I know will come from that.
For the time being, I am considering trying a strategy similar to in Chuck Colson’s “Love Must be Tough”, called “open the cage door”. In this strategy, I intend to grow myself for a season, take the focus and attention off my wife, and try not ask for sex anymore. I am striving to make myself more attractive and outgoing, and to take up new interests.
Still, at the end of the day if my wife does not begin to initiate intimacy I may just file. Part of me wonders if she will not begin to act or change after I file, and then only as a kind of prostitution to preserve the financial and comfort benefits of being married to me. I am very, very sad that my marriage is this way.
I just wanted to add that many women I know, Christian women, tend to shy away from sex with their husbands. Many make so many excuses – I’m tired, he wants it too much, I don’t feel like it, he’ll be alright, etc. – and fail to see the real issue here. I discuss this issue with them as much as I can, but I’m not sure that any of my advice is sticking. I try to let young married women know that sex can really create a bond between a husband and wife – one that can always be exclusive just for them. I also try to let young women know that they should feel blessed and privileged to be the only person who can provide this particular necessity for their husbands. Ladies, anybody can cook for him (mom), clean for him (maid), make him smile (kids), make him laugh (dogs), etc., but only you can provide him legal, sinless sex. And if you put a little effort into it, you may make yourself smile, too.
Be blessed,
Dr. Mel